May 10, 2015

Trolling opera for possible presidential contenders

Candidate Turandot meeting with her advisors.
Can she count on YOUR vote?
(photo by Аркадий Зарубин)
Recently, all sorts of people I've never heard of - and in some cases, wish I hadn't - are declaring that they're running to be President of these United States. (Carly-somebody? What? Who?)

The problem is that most of them, Republican and Democratic alike, have significant flaws. Some commentators believe, therefore, that the party bosses should seek fresh blood for the next presidential campaign; find the political stars of the future and get them involved.

I happen to think they could do worse than do some vetting of opera characters. HEY, KING-MAKERS: allow me to offer some suggestions. I'd be happy to organize a PAC for any of 'em. Just to show how objective I can be, I'll showcase both their assets and liabilities. How else can you guys make a reasoned decision? You're welcome.

Radames (tenor character in Aida)
STRENGTHS:
Courageous, experienced military leader. Led successful campaign against Ethiopians. Excellent name-recognition among opera fans. Very religious.
WEAKNESSES:
Worships the god "Ptha", making him vulnerable with conservative Christians. His record shows he's susceptible to espionage if the double agent is a beautiful woman.

Macbeth (baritone, title character in Verdi's Shakespearean opera)
STRENGTHS:
Understands politics; willing to do anything to attain office. Expert at dirty tricks.
WEAKNESSES:
Saddled with a wife who appears a little unstable mentally - there are reports of hallucinations. Unlikely to withstand the fishbowl life of First Lady.

Princess Turandot
STRENGTHS:
Big supporter of capital punishment. Tough on crime. She also has the "ghosts-of-executed-princes" vote sewed up; they support her. Also, isn't it apparent we're ready for a female POTUS?
WEAKNESSES:
Her definition of "crime" is pretty much "being a man". And the ghosts represent a very weak voting bloc.

The Grand Inquisitor (bass role in Don Carlo)
STRENGTHS:
As strong-man of the Catholic church (note: he's Christian! That's good, right?), he consistently trumps the power of the King of Spain; quells rebellions from heretics, puts people to death and rules an empire with an iron hand.
WEAKNESSES:
Uh..... actually, the above traits make him more qualified to be an Ayatollah than a president. Never mind.

Sir John Falstaff (baritone, title role in another of Verdi's Shakespearean adaptations)
STRENGTHS:
He's morbidly obese, meaning he's in an excellent position to follow in Mike Huckabee's footsteps with an inspiring weight-loss saga. Also - kind of folksy and likeable.
WEAKNESSES:
Got a little alcohol problem. Okay, a big alcohol problem.

Suor Angelica (title role in Puccini's opera)
STRENGTHS:
Strongly anti-abortion. Background as a botanist, which could make her attractive to environmentalists. Again, ready to be the first woman president. Devout Christian.
WEAKNESSES:
Um, nobody seems to know who her baby-daddy is. Tough to recover from a scandal of this magnitude, although let's face it: WE AMERICANS LOVE A COMEBACK STORY!

Don Ottavio (tenor role in Don Giovanni)
STRENGTHS:
He's a supporter of traditional marriage. He must be; he spends half of every day trying to get his fiancee Donna Anna to step up to the altar and marry him already. Also a champion of justice: he spends the OTHER half of every day vowing to bring down Don Giovanni.
WEAKNESSES:
In a 4-hour opera, he accomplishes NOTHING WHATSOEVER with either of those goals. Instead, he dithers and dallies and stands around. WAIT - forget being president, he'd be perfect for Congress! DON OTTAVIO FOR UNITED STATES HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES!!

Wow - I'm good at this!



2 comments:

  1. This is an absolute riot (which it would not be if it didn't hit the nail straight on the head) Merci!!! As an American, I shall share at once.

    ReplyDelete


  2. Am here to testify what this great spell caster done for me. i never believe in spell casting, until when i was was tempted to try it. i and my husband have been having a lot of problem living together, he will always not make me happy because he have fallen in love with another lady outside our relationship, i tried my best to make sure that my husband leave this woman but the more i talk to him the more he makes me fell sad, so my marriage is now leading to divorce because he no longer gives me attention. so with all this pain and agony, i decided to contact this spell caster to see if things can work out between me and my husband again. this spell caster who was a woman told me that my husband is really under a great spell that he have been charm by some magic, so she told me that she was going to make all things normal back. she did the spell on my husband and after 5 days my husband changed completely he even apologize with the way he treated me that he was not him self, i really thank this woman her name is Dr Aluta she have bring back my husband back to me i want you all to contact her who are having any problem related to marriage issue and relationship problem she will solve it for you. her email is traditionalspellhospital@gmail.com she is a woman and she is great. wish you good time.
    He cast spells for different purposes like
    (1) If you want your ex back.
    (2) if you always have bad dream
    (3) You want to be promoted in your office.
    (4) You want women/men to run after you.
    (5) If you want a child.
    (6) You want to be rich.
    (7) You want to tie your husband/wife to be yours forever.
    (8) If you need financial assistance.
    (9) HIV/AIDS CURE
    (10) is the only answer to that your problem of winning the lottery

    Contact him today on: traditionalspellhospital@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete