November 1, 2014

Pinafore: What if Buttercup traded places with Butterfly?

BREAKING NEWS: In a development that has rocked the opera world, Mrs. Cripps (a.k.a. "Little Buttercup") of Portsmouth, England, has agreed to take the place of Cio-Cio San (a.k.a. "Madame Butterfly") of Nagasaki, Japan in the Puccini opera in which she was scheduled to appear.

This butter don't fly....
When questioned, Buttercup stated she was happy to help out a fellow fictional character in a time of need. "Poor little blighter, right croupy she was; couldn't hardly breathe. I told her to stay in bed and that Little Buttercup'd soon put things right."

We take you to Japan where the wedding party of Lieutenant B. F. Pinkerton awaits the entrance of his bride:

PINKERTON:
There! Coming up the hill! It is the gentle voice of my delicate little geisha, Madama Buttercup!

SHARPLESS:
You must not toy with her affections, you heartless naval officer, you.

BUTTERCUP: (entering, accompanied by an entourage of Japanese women)
Cor, somebody get me a bloody chair, my feet are fair killin' me.

PINKERTON:
Was the climb difficult?

BUTTERCUP
Who's idea was it to marry on top of a blinkin' mountain? What's wrong with a proper church and a proper parson?

SHARPLESS
"Miss Buttercup" - your name suits you to perfection.

BUTTERCUP
So I'm plump, am I? Go ahead and say it; I'm not ashamed of my body. Men like me this way.

PINKERTON (to Sharpless)
She's a flower! Her exotic fragrance has intoxicated me.

BUTTERCUP
That's the tobacky, darlin'. I've got pipe tobacky and snuff, both on sale this week.

SHARPLESS
How old are you?

BUTTERCUP
Guess.

SHARPLESS
Fifteen?

BUTTERCUP
HA! That's comical, that is. Back in my baby-farming days I used to nurse this handsome lieutenant here.

PINKERTON
Wait... what? Ew. (Suddenly the party is interrupted by the entrance of The Bonze, an angry Buddhist priest.)

BONZE
Buttercup! Buttercup! Abomination! You have renounced our ancient faith! WE RENOUNCE YOU!

BUTTERCUP
What's wrong with the good old Church of England, I'd like to know? Simmer down, or I'll have the Archbishop give you a good talking to. Here - I'll give you a good price on these lovely peppermint drops. I don't care if you're Buddhist or Hindu or a bloomin' agnostic - everyone enjoys a lovely peppermint drop.

BONZE
But - we renounce you!!!

BUTTERCUP
How about some jacky? It's excellent.

SHARPLESS
Got any treacle?

PINKERTON
What about toffee - got any toffee?

BUTTERCUP
Step over here where we can talk business, gentlemen. (As the men start bartering over Buttercup's goods, everyone gradually forgets about the wedding and wanders off. Curtain.)

When asked to comment, Cio-Cio San was quoted as saying, "This was a bad idea. I'm going back to bed."

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