Retitling operas just like children's books

Ah, the Internet. Sometimes it seems as though we spend 2% of our online time donating to charities, learning French and writing novels, and 98% on cat videos and all those inane lists provided by Buzzfeed, Upworthy and, lately, eBaum's World. "The 20 happiest hedgehogs"; "The 15 most heartbreaking moments on Breaking Bad", etc. etc.

Those wacky scouts!

I'm no different - just this morning I found myself LOL-ing over an eBaum gallery of The 20 Worst Children's Book Titles Ever". These range from unintentional double-entendres born in a more innocent era (A story about Santa Claus called "The loneliest Ho in the world" and "Scouts in Bondage" are two choice examples) to simply horrific instances of dreadful taste ("Mommy drinks because you're bad"; "Feelings and how to destroy them").

NOTE: I'm pretty sure some of these are fake, but why let that ruin the fun?

Admit it, now - as you clicked through the titles at the link above, you really, REALLY wished you had each book at hand to see what it could possibly be like.

So, I got to thinking: what if standard operas were re-titled along similar lines? Might that not intrigue the public and tempt them to attend a performance instead of watching yet another rerun of "Law and Order: SVU"?

Let's see how hideously inappropriate, yet innocently childlike, we can be! Boy-o-boy!

OLD TITLE: "Die Walküre"
NEW TITLE: "My sister is pretty when she's naked"

OLD TITLE: "Dialogues of the Carmelites"
NEW TITLE: "A bucketful of nuns' heads"

OLD TITLE: "Der Rosenkavalier"
NEW TITLE: "You're too old to be my girlfriend"

OLD TITLE: "Lohengrin"
NEW TITLE: "Who wants to pet my swan?"

OLD TITLE: "Fidelio"
NEW TITLE: "Let's dress up like men and visit our boyfriends in prison"

OLD TITLE: "Turandot"
NEW TITLE: "Men are mean and probably smell bad"

OLD TITLE: "The Elixir of Love"
OLD TITLE: "I'm plastered and I love you!"

OLD TITLE: "The Daughter of the Regiment"
NEW TITLE: "I joined the army and got laid!"

OLD TITLE: "La Traviata"
NEW TITLE: "For a whore, you're really nice!"

OLD TITLE: "Don Carlo"
NEW TITLE: "I'm hot for my dad's wife"

OLD TITLE: "Hansel and Gretel"
NEW TITLE: "Hey, little girl, wanna gobble up my candy cane?"

OLD TITLE: "Il Trovatore"
NEW TITLE: "I sure didn't mean to burn THAT baby!"

OLD TITLE: "Falstaff"
NEW TITLE: "Fat people are so FUNNY!"

I feel VERY productive here. This blog has advanced the art form, in my view. You think so too, I can tell.


Oh, and I have good news. While some of the inappropriate book-titles are doubtless put-ons, I have ascertained that "Scouts in Bondage" is a REAL BOOK. Don't believe me? Read a review at this link.