August 23, 2013

Re-naming operas to fit our times

Play cards much? Then you know
what to call HER.
Few would dispute the fact that opera has an image problem. Opera companies would love to enjoy as much popular success as, say, a completely worthless, trashy TV show; a show low-rated by TV standards; a failed reality show, maybe. In the music world, little-known bands posting a video on YouTube create more buzz than respected opera companies.

There are several factors contributing to this situation, but today let's consider the actual titles of the operas themselves. I mean, title-wise, you'll have to admit that "Ruslan and Lyudmila" is less compelling that "Breaking Bad" or "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo".

So I stand ready to offer a practical solution. Are opera titles too generic? Too dull? Too poetic? Too artsy? Fine.

LET'S CHANGE 'EM! I offer the following new and improved opera titles as a public service with no thought of compensation. Now, if for some reason you want to pay me something, make your check out to "Glenn R. Winters".

Here we go:

"A Streetcar Named Desire" -----> "A Trolley Called Horny"

"Carmen" -----> "Here Comes Gypsy Bad Bad"

"The Force of Destiny" (a.k.a. "La Forza del Destino") ------> "Karma Sucks"

"Tristan und Isolde" ------> "Trisolde" (adopting the current practice of naming celebrity couples)

"Gianni Schicchi" ------> "G-Skik"

"Rusalka" ------> "The Little Mermaid" (Best part: Disney can't complain because Dvořák wrote his first. At least that's how I see it.)

"Antony and Cleopatra" ------> "Clantony"

"The Merry Wives of Windsor" ------> "Real Housewives of Windsor"

"The Trojans" (a.k.a. "Les Troyens") ------> "The Protection"

"Die Meistersinger von Nurnberg" ------> "Nurnberg's Got Talent" (alternately, "Nurnbergian Idol")

"Cavalleria Rusticana" ------> "Sicilians Behaving Badly"

"The Love For Three Oranges" ------> "Orange Crush"

"The Telephone" ------> "Text Me"

"Dialogues of the Carmelites" ------> "Nun Chat"

"The Elixir of Love" -----> "Liquor is Quicker" (That's gotta be public domain by now, right?)

"The Daughter of the Regiment" -----> "Army Brat"

"Nixon in China" -----> "Tricky Dick and Mao"

"The Rape of Lucretia" ----> "No Means No"

"The Queen of Spades" -----> Uh, look; if you play Hearts, you know what she's called. Better not sully this blog with a vulgarism, right? There could be children reading this....

See? It's not brain surgery, pals of mine! BANG! Image improved. No need to thank me, although again: I direct your attention to the section above covering how to make your checks payable.

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