Top 10 signs Peter Gelb is going nuts

(Ah, the summer off-season, when opera singers go scurrying to the beach or a summer festival and opera bloggers turn to David Letterman-style humor for their weekly posts....)

You've gotta feel for Peter Gelb, General Manager of the Metropolitan Opera. Tough gig, right? Big-time stress, what with temperamental opera stars, tough economic times, deficits, labor problems... oy! And everybody complains, no matter what decision he makes. 

A weaker man would have crumbled long ago, and frankly, I'm starting to worry about Gelb. The word is out that he's not handling the stress like he used to. Rumors are RAMPANT, people, RAMPANT. Frankly, he's one bad review from a padded room at Belleview from what I hear. Poor guy. Think I'm exaggerating? You'll change your tune when you read:

THE TOP 10 SIGNS PETER GELB IS GOING NUTS

10.  Attempted to legally change the name of every soprano under contract to "Netrebko".

9.   Asked composer Philip Glass to adapt "The Hangover 3" into an opera.

8.   At recent Board meeting, proposed adding a drive-through window on the side of the opera house.

7.  Plans to ask the government of Greece for a financial bail-out.

6.  Keeps mumbling about hiring Derek Jeter as new Artistic Director and re-naming the company "Peter and Jeter".

5.  Saw the video of Miss Utah on the Miss USA pageant and said "THERE! THAT'S our new Melisande!"

4.  Tells prospective donors that for a gift of $1 million they can have lunch with George Gershwin.

3.  Threatens to call in Vito Corleone to settle labor disputes.

2.  On grant application to the NEA, asked for $10 million for "stuff".

1.  His standard greeting to tenor Vittorio Grigio: "Hey, it's Topo Grigio! I used to love you on the Ed Sullivan show!"