CAST OF CHARACTERS
Hansel, a boy who doesn't care for three-bean salad
Hansel, a boy who doesn't care for three-bean salad
Gretel, a girl who struggles to remember folk songs and has a dark side
Father, a very pushy salesman
Mother, a woman with anger issues
Witch, an old woman who used to be Orkin's best customer
A bunch of cookies shaped like children which eventually are turned into real children, thereby blatantly ripping off the Pinocchio story. Except I think Hansel and Gretel came first, so I guess Pinocchio is a blatant rip-off of the cookie children. Whatever. Either way, I smell a lawsuit.
(Act I: a cozy little cottage on the edge of the forest. Gretel is doing girl-stuff, e.g. sewing or needlepoint or watching "Real Housewives of the Enchanted Woods" or something. Hansel is making brooms and wishing he could change the channel to the the Bears-Packers game.)
GRETEL (attempting to sing a merry German folk song as she works)
"Susie, little Susie, come give me your knee!
The goose fell in the butter, my dog has a flea!"
HANSEL
That's not how that goes. There's something wrong with you.
GRETEL
I'm starving. It's affecting my memory. Hey, I know what! Let's have a dancing lesson! Dance with me, brother!! (She starts to sing again)"With your foot you whap whap whap!
With your other foot snap whack chap!
Chap-stik HERE, butt-cheeks THERE...."
HANSEL (interrupting)
Seriously, there's something bad wrong with you. Get away from me. (The mother enters.)
MOTHER
WHAT?! You haven't done your CHORES?!?!? #$^&*#$@! Wait til your Father comes home, you good-for-nothing little #($*#&$^!
HANSEL
You've been cutting your anger-management classes again, haven't you?
Don't you talk back to ME, you little #$#&=*%*&^#$! Now both of you #($*%&^# go into the #$&(*% woods and pick some #$(=*&#%&T^ strawberries! NOW!!!!!!! (They leave. A minute later, the Father comes in with sacks of groceries.)
FATHER
HONEY, I'm HOME!
MOTHER
How was your day, dear?FATHER
Super-fabulous! I sold me a BROOM! Look, I went to the store!
MOTHER (looking in his grocery sacks)
That's wonderful! Wow, you've brought eggs and bread and sausages and cheese and wine and beer and milk and sugar and apples and.... (she stops short) From one broom? Dag, baby, how much are you charging for these brooms?
FATHER
It's not the broom, it's the extended service contract on the broom. That's where the real money is.
MOTHER
I'm so proud of you.
FATHER
Let's eat! Where are the kids?MOTHER
I sent them to their rooms for a time-out.
FATHER
Uh - this is a one-room cottage. They don't have rooms.MOTHER
Right. But they were annoying me, so I sent them into the woods.
The same woods with wolves, bears and cannibalistic old witches?
MOTHER
Well, there's only one woods, so I guess so.
FATHER
Have you been going to your anger-management classes? You know what the judge told you.
MOTHER
HOLY GEEZ! Will everyone please get off my BACK about that!!!! #$(=*&%&#^$!!!!
(Act II: the woods.)
GRETEL
Time for another merry German folk song!
HANSEL
Uh, that's okay, I'm good...
There was a little dude who was in a thing.
The little dude said "Lo - I am in a thing.
Who's the dude, who can he be?
It's a freakin' mystery..."
HANSEL (interrupting)
Stop it. Stop singing. Stop now. Do us all a favor and learn the words.
GRETEL
Time to go home. Did you mark the way back like I told you?
HANSEL
Yes: I cleverly used handfuls of Purina Forest Bird Chow.
Moron. We're lost. Now what? Should I sing another merry German fo-
HANSEL
NO!!! NO SINGING! Let's look for a house made of Gingerbread.
GRETEL
A what made of what?
HANSEL
Just go with it, okay? (They suddenly espy an edible house, right on cue.)GRETEL (sniffing the front door)
It smells kinda weird. I thought it was supposed to be gingerbread; this smells like fish. (The witch comes out.)
WITCH
It's sushi. I was having insect problems with the cake and candy materials. You know how sugar draws ants. Besides, who doesn't love sushi?
No baked goods of any kind? A little Melba toast maybe?
You're not listening: they just call ants. Let me see what else I can offer you. (She opens her refrigerator and surveys the contents.) Okay, I've got some dill pickles... a little prune juice... some leftover three-bean salad... you kids like three-bean salad?
GRETEL
Gross. Ew.HANSEL
Pass.
WITCH
Well, crap - I can't eat y'all like this; you're skin and bones. I like me some fat kid-meat.HANSEL
Gosh, look at the time! Gotta book - them brooms ain't gonna make themselves.
WITCH
Nice try. Well, you'll probably be lower in cholesterol; that's a plus. And as luck would have it, I was watching Paula Deen yesterday and she devoted her entire show to recipes for children.
GRETEL
I caught that show. I think she meant stuff to feed to children.
WITCH
Are you sure? I could have sworn... oh well: a few pounds of bacon, butter and cream in the pot with you and you guys'll taste fine. Everything tastes better with bacon, am I right?
HANSEL
Hold up; there's something I don't get. Why do you want to eat us?
WITCH.
I'm hungry. Duh.
HANSEL
You live in a house made of food. And you've got all that three-bean salad. There is no reason whatsoever for you to be hungry.
WITCH
You know, I can't deny that you make a compelling argument there. Okay, tell you what: I'll heat up some three-bean salad. Gretel, give me a hand here with the roaring fire in this oven.
GRETEL (suddenly pushing the Witch into the oven and slamming the door while screams of agony emanate from within)
Like THIS? BWAH-HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! (She begins capering around the room, singing in an eerie, high-pitched voice)
WITH YOUR FOOT YOU WHAP WHAP WHAP...
HANSEL (staring at her in horror)
When we get home I'm telling Mom and Dad what you did.
GRETEL (grabbing him by the throat)
I wouldn't do that if I were you. Remember, I've killed now. They say it gets easier and easier after the first kill, so watch your step. Now I think we should turn all those cookie children out behind the house back into real children.
HANSEL
Cookies? COOKIES??! I knew she was holding out on me!!! YAY! COOKIES! (As the curtain comes down, Gretel struggles to restrain her brother and prevent him from eating their classmates at school. It would be nice to think he didn't.)
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