November 3, 2011

The 2-minute Aida


A tradition unlike any other (except for the Master's tournament): my lame libretto parodies. THEY'RE BAAAAAACK!! I now present my desecration of AIDA.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

Aida, the Princess of Ethiopia (shhh... don’t tell anyone - it’s a secret)
Amneris, the Princess of Egypt and heiress to a nasal-spray fortune.  (Wait - that’s Omneris.  Never mind)
Radames, an Egyptian soldier with a thing for Ethiopian chicks
Pharoah, Amneris’s Dad and the inventor of a kick-butt nasal spray.  (Whoops - forgot.  Never mind again.)
Amonasro, Aida's Dad and, being king of Ethiopia, a guy with his finger on the pulse of the hot pretzel business.  (This will be explained later in the parody.  Keep reading.)

Act I: somewhere in Ancient Egypt sometime between 73 and 5,000 years ago  Radames is dreaming of his future plans.

RADAMES:  

I knew it was the right thing to do to be in ROTC!  My dream is to be Commander in Chief of the Egyptian army!  Gee whiz, I sure wish there was some way I could curry favor with Pharoah so he would give me this job I want so much...  (Enter Amneris)

AMNERIS:  

Hi there, handsome.  Wanna come over to my place tonight and have some crock-pot camel with me and my royal daddy?  

RADAMES.  

Nah.  Rain check.  Some other time.  (to himself:) Think, think, THINK:  there MUST be some way to get in good with Pharoah.  This is IMPORTANT!

AMNERIS:  

Cute but dumb - man, can I pick ‘em?  (Aida comes in, looking particularly Ethiopian)

RADAMES:  

(meaningfully) How you doin?  May I say, you’re looking particularly Ethiopian today... in a good way.

AIDA:  

Ix-nay on the irting-flay - the incess-pray is atching-way.

RADAMES:  

Ethiopian is a weird language - talk Egyptian!

AIDA:  

Man, you really are cute but dumb!  (Enter Pharoah with a bunch of priests and other hangers-on.)

PHAROAH:  

I have an important message from Isis.

RADAMES:

Italian?  What flavor?

PHAROAH:

I beg your pardon?

RADAMES:  

I LOVE Italian ices!  Especially mango!

PHAROAH:  

Not the frozen treat, camel-brain, the goddess:  “Isis”

RADAMES:  

Sire, I think you’re mispronouncing that:  I believe it’s pronounced “EE-sis”

PHAROAH:  

Nope; it’s “EYE-sis”

RADAMES:  

I’m pretty sure I’m right about this:  “EE-sis”  When Sarastro sings about her in “ “Magic Flute”, he always goes “oh EE-sis UND oh-ZEE-ris”

PHAROAH:  

Do you want to be Commander in Chief of the Egyptian army or not?

RADAMES:  

It’s my dream.

PHAROAH:  

Fine.  Done.  Go kill some Ethiopians.

BIG CROWD:

Go, Radames!  Go, Radames!  Kill them Ethiopians!!!

AIDA:

(momentarily over-reacting to her boyfriend’s good fortune) YEAH!  KILL THEM ETHIOPIANS!!  BOMB ‘EM BACK TO THE STONE AGE!  (which, actually, was not all that long ago now that I think about it) BLOOD!  BLOOD!  KILL ‘EM!  KILL --- (she stops to think through her position)  Oopsie.  Um....  I’d like to request that you all disregard my previous comments.  I apologize for any confusion I may have created.  

Act II: Omneris’s apartment.  DOH’ - pardon, I meant Amneris’s apartment.  The two princesses (but remember: Aida’s princess-osity is a deep dark secret, so keep your mouth shut) are having some girl-talk.

AMNERIS:

So, girl-friend, you can tell your bestie:  you’re a little sweet on Radames, aren’t you?

AIDA:

Who?

AMNERIS:

Oh, you!  C’mon, ‘fess up - dish the dirt, gurl!!  You & him got a little thing going don’t you?

AIDA:

I have no idea who you’re talking about.  Really..

AMNERIS:

Tell me, tell me, tell me!  Is he a good kisser?  All us Egyptian girls wanna know!

AIDA:

Seriously - nothing to tell.

AMNERIS:

Well, it’s just as well,  since, you know, he’s dead.

AIDA:

WHAT?!?!?!  NOOOOOOOOO!!!!  WAAH!  WAAH!  WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!  OH GOD! OH GOD!  AUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!!

AMNERIS:

Wait - did I say “dead”?  Dear me, I told a teensy white fib: he’s just as big and juicy and alive and hunky as ever, baby!  Whatchoo think ‘bout dat?

AIDA:

um...  again, I don’t believe I’m acquainted with this - this -“Roodemas”, was it?

AMNERIS:

Nice try.  Bitch.

Act III.  Night time. The banks of the Nile.  The banks are closed, of course, but Aida enters with her ATM card.  Get it?  Get it?  “Banks of the Nile”?  Heh heh heh heh.....   

AIDA:

Well, my country lost the war, my Dad the king was taken prisoner, and Radames is marrying that Princess of Poo, Omneris.  And yes, I know what her real name is, I just like calling her that.  *sigh*  Geez, it sure sucks to be me lately.  Wish I was home again - Ethiopia is WAY better than Egypt.  They have those little sidewalk carts that sell those incredible hot pretzels with the salt and the mustard...  I’m tired of eating crock-pot camel...  And on top of everything, I can't remember my PIN. DARN!! (Amonasro enters)

AMONASRO:  

Hi, daughter!

AIDA:  

Daddy!  Did you bring me a pretzel?

AMONASRO:  

What?  No...  Listen, I need a favor.

AIDA:  

Your little girl will do anything for her Daddy-Waddy.

AMONASRO:  

Great.  I need you to go on one final hot date with Roodemas or whatever his name is...

AIDA:

I was just playing dumb when I said "Roodemas"...

AMONASRO:

Whatever.  Get him all worked up & horny, do a little heavy petting, let him get to first base...

AIDA:

(interrupting) I’m confused. How is this a favor for you, exactly - you like to watch?  EW, DADDY!

AMONASRO:

...and then get him to betray his country and his code of honor by telling you military secrets so my guys can kick his camel-eating ass.

AIDA:

I don’t wanna.

AMONASRO:

Okay, but if you “wanna” go down as the Idi Amin of Ethiopia, that’s your call.  Plus, I’m SO cutting you out of my will, and I was going to leave you my royal supply of pretzel carts.

AIDA:

Okay, okay, okay.  Here comes Radames.  Go hide.  (Radames enters, carrying a pack of Trojans and a tube of that K-Y stuff.)

RADAMES:

Hey, cute-stuff!

AIDA:

Um, Radames?  Sweety?  Do you like hot pretzels with mustard, by any chance?

RADAMES:

DO I?!  Boy-howdy, YES!  Hey - I know what:  let’s ditch Egypt and run off to Ethiopia together to start a new life in the land of delicious, yummy pretzels! (He proceeds to tell her a bunch of military secrets.)

AIDA:

Well, that was easy.  Did anyone ever tell you you’re cute but dumb?

RADAMES:

I get that a lot, actually.

Act IV.  In a subterranean tomb underneath the Temple of Vulcan.

RADAMES:

Wow, this has been a fascinating tour - that tour guide was most informative.  I LOVE seeing ancient Egyptian stuff!  Hmmm... I seem to have gotten separated from the group - I'd better catch up.  Let’s see, I think the exit was over here somewhere....  (He pushes against the huge boulder blocking the way out, but it won’t budge.)  Well, CRAP.  Looks like I’m in trouble this time.  Shoot, I should never have betrayed my country and my code of honor.  I mean, once I was the new Pharoah I could have sent out for pretzels, right?  I’m pretty sure they deliver...

AIDA:

(emerging from a corner of the tomb)  Actually, they don’t deliver to Egypt.  Enemies, you know.

RADAMES:

Right, right, I should’ve thought of …..  HEY!  What are YOU doing here, baby?!

AIDA:

My dad’s dead, Omneris gets her way, my country couldn’t beat the Miami Dolphins in a war if you spotted them three touchdowns and four camels, and you’re about to suffocate in your own tomb.  My life sucks lemons and I’m cashing in my Ethiopian chips.

RADAMES:

Well, I’m sure glad to see you.  We belong together, you know.  Geez, it’s stuffy in here.  Is something wrong with the air-conditioning?  Nothing’s coming through the vents.  Wait... there AREN’T any vents.  Holy Eesis, they better fix that before the next tour group comes down here.

AIDA:

Cute.  Dumb.  Man, can I pick ‘em?

THE END.

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