Parody: The 2-minute Streetcar Named Desire

Wait - what're THEY doing in this blog???

Tennessee Williams wrote this masterpiece and everything called A Streetcar Named Desire. It's like all dramatic and everything, and all poetic and this guy turned it into this opera and everything and, like, I've been blogging about it and everything and I've been all, like, serious and insightful and everything, and...

...enough. Now let's make fun of it mercilessly! Cool? Way cool! So let's get crackin' with:

The 2-minute Streetcar

CAST

Blanche, a hot mess, one foot in the nut-house and the other on one of those slip-n-slide things you played on as a kid. You know, with a garden hose attached? Yeah, that thing.

Stella, her sister, marginally better off. A warm mess. A tepid bag of issues.

Stanley, Stella's husband; a cussin', drinkin', belchin', wife-beatin' regular guy. A shoe-in for Best Actor.

Mitch, a guy who looks at Blanche and sees a refined, gracious lady. Which tells you pretty much everything you need to know about Mitch.

Eunice, the neighbor lady. Not up for an Oscar, but doing the best she can in a smallish role.

(Scene I: Stanley's apartment in a particularly rat-infested, sleazy, slummy, totally hellish section of New Orleans. Blanche stumbles in, her breath reeking of Sterno.)

BLANCHE:

They told me to take a streetcar named Desire, transfer to one called Pysch Ward, get off at Suicide Attempt, get on another streetcar named Self-Loathing, take a ferry called Wallowing in Depression across a river named Cheap Bourbon, get off at a dock called Blackout, take another streetcar called Catatonic State and end up here. Is this Elysian Fields?

EUNICE:
You should really think about calling a cab next time. Because, you know, you're like two blocks from the train station.

BLANCHE
Crap! I knew it! Well anyway, I'm glad to see you Stella. I love my baby sister. You've always been my favorite. Come give us a hug and we can look through Tiger Beat magazines and brush each other's hair like in the old days.

EUNICE"
My name is Eunice. I've never seen you before.

BLANCHE
Get out. (Eunice leaves.) Whoa, Baby needs a drink. (Blanche roots around the apartment and downs a gallon of Merlot, a six-pack of Coors Light and a fifth of Jack Daniels, in addition to snorting several lines of cocaine she finds in a cookie jar. Stella comes in.) You're Stella, right? You haven't said a word about my appearance. Don't you think I'm beautiful any more?

STELLA
Who the hell are you? And, to answer your question, you look like Dorian Gray at the end of the story. Wait - you're Blanche, right? Welcome to New Orleans. Sorry you had to wait - the streetcar called In Denial About My Sexual Obsession was running late. Care for a lemon Coke?

BLANCHE
Not thirsty. Anymore. Oh bad news, cupcake: our childhood home is lost.

STELLA
How'd that happen?

BLANCHE
A buncha stuff. So tell me about your Dago husband Stanley.

STELLA
Silly Blanche - he's not a Dago, he's a Pollack.

BLANCHE
Oh - he's from Greece? (They laugh uproariously.)

STELLA
You'll like Stanley. He's super cute, really buff. He beats me mercilessly on a daily basis, then comes crawling up to me bawling like a snot-nosed baby. Then he drags me into the bedroom where we have violent sex for hours at a time. Boy, am I one lucky girl!

BLANCHE
Geez, when they passed out the crazy I guess I wasn't the only one from our family to stand in line. Whatever. (Stanley comes in.)

STANLEY
(shrieking at the top of his lungs) S-T-E-L-L-A!!  S--T--E--L--L--AAAAAAAAA!!!!!

STELLA
Yes, dear?

STANLEY
I'm home. How was your day?

BLANCHE
What was that all about?

STELLA
He's up for an Oscar. Gotta establish street cred, you know? Show those acting chops. 

BLANCHE
Don't you wanna get best supporting actress? You should try it.

STELLA
Maybe I will at that. (She clears her throat, then goes for it.) S-T-A-N-L-E-Y!!  S--T--A--N--L--E--Y!!!!!!!!!!! ...so... what'd you think? Lame?

STANLEY
Meh. It's not really you, Peaches. Well, if dinner isn't ready quite yet, I think I'll relax with a glass of sherry and a volume of Elizabeth Barrett Browning. Plus, I'd like to see how the Dow is doing. Ta. Oh - a few chaps from the factory may be coming over later for a bit of Scrabble. Do we have enough Chai on hand for everyone?

BLANCHE
Chai - is that like Southern Comfort? Could I have a little nip right now?

STELLA
Stan, quit putting on airs. What're you really going to do? (to herself) Uh-oh, when will I learn? (Stanley rolls up his sleeves and opens up a can of whoop-butt on her. She slowly turns black and blue.)

BLANCHE
Pardon me, you lovebirds. I'm going to take a bath. I can't seem to wash off these damn spots. (Neither Stella nor Stanley seem to catch the Lady Macbeth reference. Blanche is a little disappointed.)

(Scene 2: Same apartment. Stanley has a poker game going on. One of his buddies, Mitch, is in the bathroom. Blanche waits outside. The bathroom door opens and Mitch emerges.)

MITCH
Why, good evening, Miss - you must be Stella's sister Bla--

BLANCHE
AIIIEEEE! LIGHT! AUGH, TURN OFF THAT BATHROOM LIGHT!

MITCH
Uh, okay... Anyhow, Miss Blanche you're looking lovely this evening. Care for a cigarette? (He gets out his lighter.)

BLANCHE
Get that damn lighter out of my face!! What is WRONG with you? You almost made... made... LIGHT...

MITCH
What are you, a vampire? Geez, lady.

BLANCHE
Sorry, sorry, lost my head there. Hey, you're... uh, presentable-looking. Wanna get married? Right now? Huh? Huh?

MITCH
Maybe later. Say, Miss Blanche, there's a full moon tonight - let's go out and dance by the light of the m--

BLANCHE
MOONLIGHT?!?!?  AAAUUUGGGHHH! LIGHT!!!! I'm ugly and wrinkled! Everyone will see! Everyone will see!!

MITCH
Fine, okay, geez! Let's just go in the basement and make out.

BLANCHE
Sounds good - after you, Cute-stuff.

(Final scene. Stanley and Blanche alone in the apartment)

STANLEY
Okay, Blanche - this is it! The big climax of the whole story. It's you and me, you crazy bee-yotch - we've had this date from the beginning!!!

BLANCHE
If you're talking about one of those Scrabble-and-Chai deals, I'm on board.

STANLEY
HA! HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!!

BLANCHE
Just a tip - "Ha" is not an optimal scoring word in Scrabble. Even if you land on the triple-word score thingy.

STANLEY
I'm wearing my red silk pajamas. You know what THAT means, don't you?

BLANCHE
You're a cross-dresser?

STANLEY
Not any more. I got some counseling. Therapy works, but you have to want to change, you know? No, Blanche, this is the scene where I THROW YOU VIOLENTLY DOWN ON THE BED AND HAVE MY WAY WITH YOU! PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOOOOOOM!!!!!

BLANCHE
That's your big grandstand play here? Stanley, pookie, in the past six months I've had sex with four thousand, nine hundred and eleven men, meaning I've even beaten Don Giovanni's punk-ass opera-sex record.

STANLEY
Wait - this is the operatic version?

BLANCHE
You thought this was being published in a movie blog? Did you even see the banner at the top? What did you think "Operation Opera" meant, you dumb Pollack?

STANLEY
I thought we talked about that word. I prefer "Gentleman of Pollackian Extraction". Please be respectful of my wishes.

BLANCHE
Is everyone in Greece as stupid as you? I'm just sayin'...

STANLEY
So... did you get around to having sex with Mitch?

BLANCHE
Oops. Forgot. Four thousand nine hundred and twelve.

STANLEY
Listen - this parody is running a little long; I doubt if anyone is still reading. We should probably skip the rape and just run your mad scene. Ready? ....aaaaaand GO.

BLANCHE
(begins staring blankly into space and babbling) After all... tomorrow is another day... who would have thought the old man to have had so much blood in him... I think I'll miss you most of all, Scarecrow... Auntie Em! Auntie Em! It's a twister, Toto!!! Edgardo, Edgardo! (She sings a long coloratura run, nailing a bell-like high E flat.)

STANLEY
Needs work. And you forgot all the lines about the ocean and what-not. Go work on it and we'll re-stage it tomorrow. LIGHTS, PLEASE

BLANCHE
LIGHT?!?!?!?  AAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!

THE END. (...and not a moment too soon...)